tu-bav-love-etiquette

Tu B’Av: An Opportunity to Speak the Language of Love — with Courtesy

By Tami Lancut Leibovitz

After a long and difficult period in which we have learned how fragile life can be, how deeply longing can hurt, and how little should ever be taken for granted, Tu B’Av arrives and reminds us to pause for a moment and say the words that too often remain unspoken:

I love you.
I see you.
I am grateful that you are part of my life.

Even this year, it is not easy to move instantly from worry, pain and memory to red hearts, flowers and chocolates. Yet perhaps this is precisely why the Festival of Love holds an even deeper meaning today.

Not in order to ignore reality, but to choose life within it.
Not to cover the pain, but to remind ourselves that we still have someone to lean on.
Not to create a perfect romantic production, but to offer someone we love a moment of closeness, reassurance and hope.

Not Only a Celebration for Couples

Today, Tu B’Av is mainly associated with romantic love, but love exists in many forms: between partners, parents and children, siblings, friends, and people who accompany one another throughout life.

It is a good day to thank the person who always calls to ask how we are, the friend who knows when to speak and when simply to offer a hug, the family member who helps without being asked, and anyone who reminds us that we are not alone.

A declaration of love does not need to be dramatic. Sometimes a simple and sincere sentence is enough:

“I wanted you to know how important you are to me.”

“I do not say it often enough, but I truly appreciate you.”

“Thank you for always being there.”

“I am so glad you are in my life.”

These may be small words, but at a time when we all need emotional anchors, they may be the most meaningful gift of all.

What Is the Origin of Tu B’Av?

Tu B’Av is one of the ancient and joyful dates in Jewish tradition. The Mishnah states:

“There were no days as festive for Israel as the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur.”

According to tradition, the young women of Jerusalem would go out wearing borrowed white garments and dance in the vineyards. The clothes were borrowed so that no one who could not afford a festive outfit would be embarrassed.

In this way, wealth and social status were temporarily set aside, allowing the human encounter itself to take centre stage.

There is a beautiful social and etiquette-related message here that remains relevant today: genuine love should never humiliate, boast or provoke envy. It should preserve the dignity of the other person.

The vineyards may have been replaced by restaurants, dating apps, WhatsApp messages and Instagram photographs, but the human desire remains much the same: to find someone who truly sees us.

Love in the Language of Courtesy

Etiquette and love are far more closely connected than we sometimes realise.

Love is an emotion, but it is also behaviour.

It is expressed in the way we speak when we are tired, in the way we listen even when we have already heard the story many times, and in our ability not to take the person closest to us for granted.

Love expressed through courtesy means:

Putting down the phone when the person in front of us is speaking.

Not correcting, criticising or embarrassing a partner in front of others.

Remembering what matters to them, rather than focusing only on what matters to us.

Saying thank you for the small and ordinary things.

Apologising without immediately adding the word “but.”

Respecting boundaries, time, privacy and feelings.

And most importantly, not waiting for a special occasion before treating one another with kindness.

We can reserve a table at an elegant restaurant, buy an impressive bouquet and photograph ourselves at sunset. All of that can be lovely. But when we are impatient on the way to dinner, distracted by our phones during the meal or disrespectful at home, the decorations cannot replace love itself.

For Singles: Open a Door, Do Not Apply Pressure

Tu B’Av can be joyful, but for someone looking for a relationship, it may also intensify feelings of loneliness.

It is therefore important to remember that there is no deadline for finding love, and no need to apologise for being single.

Still, the holiday can provide an opportunity to open a small door.

You might contact someone who interests you and say simply:

“I thought it might be nice to meet for coffee. Would you be interested?”

There is no need for a grand declaration, a promise or pressure. A courteous invitation allows the other person to choose freely and preserves their dignity if the answer is no.

In the world of online dating, good manners are still the best calling card: reply respectfully, do not disappear without explanation after a meaningful connection, avoid intrusive messages and do not treat people as though they were items in a catalogue.

Chemistry is not always within our control. Respectful behaviour certainly is.

For Those at the Beginning of a Relationship: Not Every Gesture Must Be a Declaration

At the beginning of a relationship, it is easy to get carried away by the atmosphere of the occasion. It is wiser, however, to match the size of the gesture to the depth of the relationship.

An expensive gift, a dramatic declaration or an elaborate surprise may create discomfort and pressure rather than happiness.

Sometimes a small and thoughtful gift says much more: a book the person mentioned, a single flower, a favourite chocolate, a handwritten note or an invitation to a place that has meaning for both of you.

The etiquette rule is simple: a good gesture should never oblige the recipient to respond with the same intensity.

A marriage proposal on Tu B’Av can be wonderfully romantic, provided that marriage has already been discussed and both partners see a future together. The surprise may be in the way the proposal is made, but not in the fact that the question is being asked.

For Long-Term Couples: Fall in Love Again with the Small Details

A long-term relationship does not need only a hotel getaway or an expensive dinner. It needs both partners to continue seeing the person beside them.

Over the years, life fills with work, bills, children, grandchildren, health concerns and daily routines. It is easy for two lovers to become an efficient management team.

Tu B’Av is an opportunity to pause the household board meeting and return to being two people who chose one another.

You might take a walk together, share a glass of wine, return to the place where you first met, look through old photographs or ask a question that has not been asked for far too long:

“What would make you happy right now?”

You can also offer one of the rarest gifts of our time: uninterrupted attention, without phones, news or distractions.

The Right Gift Is the One That Suits the Person Receiving It

Tu B’Av is not a competition, and love is not measured by the number of roses, the price of the jewellery or the size of the photograph uploaded to social media.

Not everyone enjoys surprises.
Not everyone loves flowers.
Some people will be delighted by a busy restaurant, while others would prefer a quiet evening at home.
Some want a gift, while others need a kind word or practical support.

Courtesy asks us not to give another person what we ourselves would like to receive, but to consider what would truly bring them joy.

A romantic gift should also never create obligation, pressure or financial difficulty. One carefully chosen rose may be more moving than an enormous bouquet purchased merely to impress.

Five Etiquette Rules for Love

Do not expect others to read your mind.
Say what you feel and what you need, without tests or exhausting hints.

Do not conduct a personal argument in front of an audience.
Partners deserve privacy and protection of their dignity.

Listen until the end.
Not every conversation requires a solution. Sometimes the person in front of us simply wants to be seen and heard.

Do not use silence as punishment.
It is acceptable to ask for time to calm down, but say so clearly.

Say the good things out loud.
Do not assume that the person close to you already knows. We all need to hear that we are loved and appreciated.

This Year: Less Production, More Intention

This year, we can celebrate in a slightly different tone.

Less pressure to create the perfect evening.
Less comparison with what we see on social media.
Less expectation that one romantic gesture will solve everything that has been neglected throughout the year.

And more truth.

We can send a message to someone we miss.
We can renew a connection that was lost, when doing so is right and healthy for both sides.
We can visit a parent or relative.
We can thank someone who supported us during a difficult period.
We can also say, “I was wrong,” “I am sorry,” or “Let us begin again.”

Love is not only butterflies and excitement. It is also home, friendship, patience, commitment and responsibility. It is the way we protect and care for one another on days that are far less festive.

Tu B’Av reminds us that life is too short to postpone kind words, a hug, reconciliation or gratitude.

So alongside the flowers, chocolate, wine and hearts, offer one more gift this year: your genuine attention.

Look at the person you love. Put down your phone. Tell them why they matter to you.

Not in a grand speech.
Not for the camera.
Not because the calendar demands it.

Simply because love, like etiquette, is not only what we feel.

It is the way we make another person feel.

Wishing everyone a joyful Tu B’Av — a celebration of closeness, respect, hope and loving words that do not wait until tomorrow.

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