How to Be Israeli Abroad: Speaking About Pain Without Losing Courtesy

Israeli Public Diplomacy as Small Talk

How to Speak About Israel Abroad — Politely, Sensitively, and Without Turning Every Conversation into an Argument

A practical etiquette guide for Israelis traveling to conferences, business meetings, holidays and international events: how to explain the situation in Israel with humanity, sensitivity and dignity — without being dragged into a political argument.

By: Tami Lancut Leibovitz | Master of Manners

Many Israelis traveling abroad today — for an international conference, a business meeting, a professional seminar, a holiday, a family visit, or even a casual social event — may suddenly find themselves facing a simple question:

“So, how are things in Israel now?”
or
“What is really happening there?”

It may sound like a short question.
But behind it stands an entire world of pain, fear, complexity, trauma, politics, missing public diplomacy, and sometimes, preconceived opinions.

At that moment, many of us feel that we do not have the right words.

Not because we have nothing to say.
But because there is too much to say.

How do you explain an entire country in two minutes?
How do you speak about October 7 without becoming emotional?
How do you acknowledge Israeli pain without erasing the pain of others?
And how do you do all of this in English, with people from different cultures, without sounding aggressive, defensive, or too political?

This is where etiquette becomes deeply relevant.

Because etiquette is not silence.
Etiquette is not giving up the truth.
Etiquette is the ability to say something difficult in a way that allows the other person to keep listening.

Public Diplomacy Is Not Only the Role of a Government

In today’s reality, many Israelis feel that official public diplomacy is not enough.

Part of the Israeli story was not told in time, was not explained clearly enough, or was not emotionally translated into a language the world could understand.

But in the world of conferences, travel, meetings, restaurants, coffee breaks and round-table conversations, ordinary citizens also become, sometimes unwillingly, small ambassadors.

Not political ambassadors.
Not government spokespeople.
But human beings who can share, gently and responsibly, what it means to live in Israel at this time.

This is civilian public diplomacy with manners.

It does not come to force agreement.
It does not come to win an argument.
It comes to open a small window of understanding.

Public Diplomacy as Small Talk: The Real Challenge

Small talk is usually about the weather, the flight, the food, the city, the conference, or one’s profession.

But when you are Israeli, small talk can suddenly become very sensitive.

Someone may ask politely:

“Are you from Israel?”

And then comes the next question:

“How are things there?”

This is where a delicate skill is required:
to know whether to enter the subject, how far to go, how to speak, when to stop, and how to leave the conversation without creating tension.

This is not only public diplomacy.
It is intercultural communication.
It is the art of conversation in a time of pain.

Rule One: Do Not Start with an Argument

The first mistake is to move immediately into defense mode.

When we feel attacked, we tend to speak too fast, explain too much, raise our voice, use slogans, or overload the conversation with facts.

But in personal conversation, especially with people from other cultures, emotional overload can close the listener’s mind.

It is better to begin softly:

“It is very painful and very complex. I can only speak as an Israeli citizen, not as a politician.”

This sentence does several important things:

It lowers the tension.
It sets a boundary.
It makes clear that this is a personal perspective, not an official speech.
And it invites listening instead of confrontation.

Rule Two: Speak in the First Person

When speaking about a sensitive subject, it is important not to begin with phrases such as:

“You do not understand.”
“The world is hypocritical.”
“Everyone is against us.”
“The media is lying.”

Even if these feelings exist, this is usually not the right way to open a polite conversation.

Instead, speak in the first person:

“For many Israelis, October 7 was a deep national trauma.”

“Many of us feel that the world did not fully understand what happened to Israeli civilians.”

“I still find it hard to explain it in English without becoming emotional.”

Personal language opens the heart.
Accusatory language closes the door.

Rule Three: Present Israel as a Complex Country, Not as a Slogan

It is important to explain that Israel is not only a news headline.

Israel is a small, intense country with many identities, borders, communities, religions, cultures, fears and memories.

Within Israel, Jews and Arabs, Muslims, Christians, Druze and others live in the same society.
Arab citizens of Israel are an inseparable part of daily life: doctors, nurses, pharmacists, teachers, lawyers, service providers, businesspeople, public-sector employees and private-sector professionals.

This is an important point for gentle public diplomacy.

It does not erase the conflict.
But it does challenge the flat image of “two sides that never meet.”

One can say:

“Inside Israel, daily life is much more mixed and complex than people often imagine. Jews and Arabs work together, study together, and meet each other every day.”

Rule Four: Avoid Generalizations

In international conversations, one generalization can ruin an entire discussion.

Not “all Arabs.”
Not “all Muslims.”
Not “the whole world.”
Not “everyone is against us.”
Not “there is no one to talk to.”

Instead, use more accurate language:

“extremists”
“terror organizations”
“many Israelis feel”
“some people believe”
“ordinary people on both sides”

Careful language does not weaken the message.
On the contrary, it makes it more credible.

Rule Five: Acknowledge Pain Without Giving Up Our Own

One of the hardest questions in international conversation is:

“But what about Gaza?”

At this point, it is important not to panic, and not to enter a competition of suffering.

One can say:

“The suffering in Gaza is terrible. I do not deny it. But I also ask people not to erase what happened to Israeli civilians on October 7.”

This is an important sentence.

It does not deny the suffering of others.
But it also does not allow the Israeli story to be erased.

This is precisely the balance of polite public diplomacy:
humanity without self-erasure.

Rule Six: Do Not Get Trapped in a Shouting Conversation

Not everyone who asks truly wants to listen.

Some people ask in order to understand.
Others ask in order to argue, accuse, or test you.

This is where the etiquette of boundaries becomes essential.

It is perfectly acceptable to say:

“I am happy to speak about it respectfully, but I prefer not to turn this conversation into a political argument.”

This is an elegant, clear and polite sentence.

It does not run away from the subject.
It simply protects the frame of the conversation.

Rule Seven: Know How to Exit the Conversation

One of the most important rules of small talk is knowing when the conversation has served its purpose.

Especially on such a sensitive subject, you do not have to answer every question, enter every detail, or defend every action of every government.

You may end with:

“It is a very painful subject. I hope one day ordinary people on all sides will be able to live with safety and dignity.”

This is an excellent exit sentence.

It leaves behind humanity, not confrontation.

A Small Page Every Israeli Should Carry Before Traveling Abroad

Every Israeli traveling abroad today — to a conference, meeting, holiday, family visit or international event — should prepare a few sentences in advance.

Not in order to recite them.
Not in order to argue.
But so that we do not become speechless when someone asks a sensitive question.

Opening sentence

“I can speak about it only as an Israeli citizen, not as a politician.”

Short explanation

“Israel is a very small country in deep trauma after October 7. We are grieving, frightened, divided, and still trying to protect ourselves.”

Balanced sentence

“I know that Palestinian civilians are also suffering terribly. I do not deny it. I only ask people not to erase the pain of Israeli civilians.”

Boundary sentence

“I prefer to speak about it respectfully, not as a political argument.”

Closing sentence

“I still hope that one day ordinary people on all sides will live with more safety, dignity and hope.”

What Not to Do in Such a Conversation

Do not raise your voice.
Do not enter a long monologue.
Do not use slogans.
Do not attack the other person.
Do not generalize about entire populations.
Do not try to “win” the conversation.
Do not continue if it is clear that the other person is not listening.

The goal is not to win.
The goal is to leave a small opening for understanding.

What to Do Instead

Speak slowly.
Breathe before answering.
Use “I” statements.
Acknowledge complexity.
Separate ordinary people from extremists.
Keep the language human.
Set boundaries politely.
And end with hope.

Because sometimes, a small conversation over coffee at an international conference can do what big speeches often fail to do:

restore a human face to the Israeli story.

A Final Thought:

Israeli public diplomacy does not have to be a shout.

It can also be intelligent, sensitive and respectful small talk.

An Israeli citizen abroad does not need to become a government spokesperson.
But he or she can become a person who tells a personal story with honesty, pain, restraint and dignity.

In a world that is quick to judge, perhaps our small contribution is to learn how to speak differently:

not to give up the truth,
not to erase pain,
not to enter every argument,
and to remember that even in a conversation about war, etiquette is not decoration.

It is a tool of humanity.

©All Rights reserved ti Tami Lancut Leibovitz