Rosh Hashanah Without the Interrogation

A Sweet New Year — Without the Interrogation

The questions not to ask at the Rosh Hashanah table — especially in an election year

By Tami Lancut Leibovitz

Rosh Hashanah dinner is meant to open the year on a sweet note. In practice, all it takes is one determined aunt, one cousin armed with an opinion poll, and one round challah to turn the evening into a cross-examination — with refreshments.

This year, with Israel heading toward elections for the 26th Knesset on October 27, 2026, politics is likely to arrive at the holiday table even if no one invited it. It is worth remembering that a family is not a television panel, a holiday dinner is not a polling station, and guests do not owe anyone a report on their relationship, weight, salary or ballot.

Etiquette does not ban serious conversation, current affairs or disagreement. It simply asks whether the subject suits the place, the moment and the people present — and whether we are genuinely interested in the answer or merely waiting for our turn to respond.

The golden rule: Before asking, consider whether your curiosity benefits the person in front of you — or merely demands an account of their private life. If a brief answer will not satisfy you, it may no longer be a question. It may be an interrogation.

1. Questions That Begin with “When Are You Finally...?”

When are you finally getting married? When are you having children? When will you find a proper job? When are you buying a home? When will you stop living so far away? The word “when” may sound innocent, but it often carries a hidden message: in our opinion, you are behind the schedule we designed for you.

Relationships, fertility, careers and family status are not entries in the family's annual report. Try asking, “What's new with you?” or “Is there anything happy you would like to share?” Then allow the other person to decide what belongs in the conversation.

2. The Body, Health and the Plate Are Not Public Property

“Have you lost weight?”, “Have you gained a little?”, “Are you pregnant?” and “Why aren't you eating?” are not compliments and are not necessarily expressions of concern. They are uninvited visits into private territory. Even if you believe you are certain someone is pregnant, wait until she chooses to share the news herself.

A guest's plate is not a public medical file either. They may have an allergy, follow a diet, take medication, feel unwell or simply dislike a particular holiday dish. Offer once, accept “No, thank you” graciously and move on. “It's lovely to see you” is far safer — and kinder — than a comment about someone's body.

3. Money, Homes and Careers — No Due Diligence at Dinner

How much do you earn? What did the apartment cost? How much did you spend on the gift? Why haven't you been promoted? The answers may be interesting, but the questions do not belong at a holiday table. Money and professional status are subjects people should share by choice, not by popular demand.

Instead of requesting figures, ask about experience: “What are you enjoying at work at the moment?” or “How are you settling into the new home?” That creates a conversation, not a financial audit.

4. Children Are Not the Evening's Entertainment

“Why won't he sit still?”, “Is she always like this?” or “Our children would never have dared” embarrass the child, the parents and often everyone within earshot. Parents should prepare their children and step in when necessary. If there is a safety concern or damage is being caused, speak quietly and privately to the parent; do not hold a public trial between the soup and the main course.

5. Where Are the Partner, Children or Siblings?

If someone has not come, there is probably a reason — and it may not be intended for publication. Instead of asking, “Why isn't he here?” or “Are they with her family again?”, say, “We missed them; please send our warm regards.” It shows interest without demanding an explanation or awarding points for family loyalty.

6. And Now for the National Question: “Who Are You Voting For?”

Election season provides plenty of material for conversation — and plenty of fuel for conflict. Politics may be discussed, but no one should be pressed to reveal their vote, defend their loyalty or explain how “someone like them” could support a particular party. The ballot is secret; the decision to discuss it is personal too.

From an etiquette perspective, begin by asking, “Would everyone be comfortable talking about the election?” If the answer is yes, discuss issues and ideas — security, the economy, education, health or society — rather than attaching labels to people. “Which issue matters most to you in this election?” invites a conversation. “How can you possibly vote for them?” invites a battle.

What should remain off limits? Ridicule, raised voices, turning the table into campaign headquarters, assuming that “everyone here agrees,” and pressuring anyone who would rather not participate. Most importantly, every disagreement does not need a winner. Families can remain families without forming a coalition before dessert.

Graceful rescue lines for hosts: “Let's save the ballot for Election Day and keep this evening for the family”; “We are allowed to disagree, but we do not have to convert one another before dessert”; or, if voices are already rising, “Let's stop here — before the honey turns to vinegar.”

7. A Thoughtful Seating Plan: Leave the Coalition Building to Parliament

“Where would you like to sit?” sounds generous, but it can launch a game of musical chairs. Hosts should plan the seating in advance, mix guests thoughtfully and leave a little distance between people who tend to ignite one another. A good seating plan is not censorship; it is dinner insurance.

There is no need to place political rivals directly opposite one another merely to “make things interesting.” Interesting is welcome. A live studio confrontation is less so.

8. Receive a Gift with Thanks — Not with Protest

When a guest brings a gift, the right response is simple: “Thank you very much. It was thoughtful of you, and we truly appreciate it.” “You shouldn't have” is usually intended as modesty, but it may leave the guest wondering whether they really should not have.

Do not stage a public gift competition or announce who brought what and how much it cost. A gift is a gesture, not a campaign advertisement.

9. “Why Are You Leaving Already?”

A guest who wishes to leave should not have to prove exhaustion, present a timetable or apply for special permission. Thank them for coming, wish them a safe journey and allow them to leave without guilt. Every successful evening has a beginning, a middle and an end — and the ending is not a failure on the host's part.

So, What Can We Talk About?

Ask about the best moment of the past year. What would your guests like to learn or try in the year ahead? Which book, film, series, restaurant or journey surprised them? Which Rosh Hashanah dish brings back a childhood memory? And what do they wish for themselves — not for the country, their children or their neighbours, but for themselves?

Current affairs can also be discussed when the conversation is guided by curiosity rather than recruitment. An open question is an invitation; an interrogation is a trap. And once we have asked a thoughtful question, we should not merely hear the answer. We should listen to it — without preparing a rebuttal while the other person is still speaking.

Etiquette Does Not Require Agreement — It Requires Respect

Rosh Hashanah does not require everyone at the table to share the same opinion, the same stage of life or the same amount of food on their plate. It asks us to begin a new year remembering that the person in front of us matters more than the question burning on our lips.

Etiquette is the ability to speak without dismissing, ask without intruding, share without preaching and disagree without causing harm. We may not solve every family or national problem over one dinner, but perhaps we can at least reach dessert in peace.

May the new year be sweet, respectful and full of good conversation — and may the most difficult questions wait, at the very least, until after coffee.

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