The Art of Disagreeing with Civility

International Day for Tolerance - November 16, 2026

When Tolerance Meets Manners: How to Stand Your Ground Without Disrespecting Others

By : Tami Lancut Leibovitz | Master of Manners

Perhaps Our Politicians Could Use a Lesson in Tolerance?

After all, forming a government often requires sitting around the same table with people who disagree on almost everything.

And perhaps that is precisely the point: we do not have to agree on everything to work together.

On International Day for Tolerance, November 16, we might suggest a simple exercise for our politicians: listen until the other person finishes speaking, resist the temptation to interrupt, and above all, challenge the argument rather than attack the person.

Who knows? Perhaps forming a coalition might become a little easier.

But before we send our politicians off to etiquette school, perhaps we should take a closer look at ourselves.

Imagine a family dinner.

The food is delicious, the atmosphere is warm, and everyone is enjoying the evening.

Then someone mentions politics.

Within minutes, voices rise, hands begin waving, and someone declares:

"You simply have no idea what you're talking about!"

Whatever happened to good manners?

Only moments earlier, everyone seemed perfectly pleasant, considerate, and civilized.

It is precisely at moments like these that we discover the difference between knowing the rules of etiquette and genuinely practicing civility.

Because the true test of good manners is not how we behave when everyone agrees with us, but how we treat someone who thinks exactly the opposite.

What Is Tolerance - and What Is It Not?

Tolerance is often misunderstood as merely putting up with people, opinions, or behavior we dislike.

But genuine tolerance is much more than passive endurance.

It is the recognition that other people have the right to think, believe, and live differently from us, within the framework of mutual respect and human rights.

On November 16, 1995, UNESCO adopted its Declaration of Principles on Tolerance, establishing an important international framework for understanding tolerance as an active social value.

In 1996, the United Nations General Assembly invited member states to observe November 16 annually as the International Day for Tolerance.

The declaration emphasizes that tolerance does not mean surrendering one's convictions, accepting injustice, or remaining silent in the face of violations of human rights.

This distinction is essential.

Tolerance does not require me to agree with you. It requires me to respect your human dignity even when I disagree.

Etiquette, Courtesy, and Civility: Three Concepts, One Human Connection

To understand the art of disagreement, we must first distinguish between three closely related concepts.

Etiquette provides the social rules and conventions that help us interact appropriately and respectfully.

How do we address someone? When should we speak? How do we listen? And how can we express disagreement without causing unnecessary offense?

Courtesy adds the human element of consideration, sensitivity, and kindness.

Courtesy asks us not only what is socially appropriate, but also how our behavior affects the person in front of us.

Civility goes one step further.

It represents a broader commitment to respectful conduct, self-restraint, responsibility, and the ability to share social space with people whose values, beliefs, and opinions may differ from our own.

In simple terms:

• Etiquette teaches us how to behave.

• Courtesy reminds us to consider others.

• Civility helps us live together respectfully, even when we disagree.

This is why civility is much more than polished manners.

A person may know exactly which fork to use, how to address distinguished guests, and when to say "please" and "thank you."

Yet that same person may dismiss, ridicule, or humiliate anyone who expresses a different opinion.

Their etiquette may appear flawless, but their civility is another matter entirely.

True refinement is revealed not only in formal settings, but in the way we treat others when our patience and convictions are tested.

Civility Is Not Weakness. It Is Strength with Restraint.

One of the most common misconceptions about good manners is that polite people must always be agreeable, avoid confrontation, and remain silent to preserve harmony.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Civility does not require us to abandon our opinions.

It allows us to express disagreement clearly, firmly, and confidently, without using humiliation as a weapon.

Consider the difference between these two statements:

"I strongly disagree with your position."

And:

"Only an ignorant person could believe that."

The first challenges an opinion.

The second attacks a human being.

Both communicate opposition, but only one preserves the possibility of meaningful dialogue.

We can be firm in our convictions and respectful in our conduct.

That is not weakness.

It is emotional maturity, social awareness, and personal discipline.

The Art of Disagreement Begins with Words

Sometimes a small change in language can transform an entire conversation.

Instead of:

"That's complete nonsense!"

Try:

"I see things differently. May I explain why?"

Instead of:

"You always exaggerate!"

Try:

"I think we're interpreting this situation differently."

Instead of:

"You're not even listening to me!"

Try:

"I'd appreciate the opportunity to explain my perspective as well."

Instead of:

"There's no point talking to you!"

Try:

"I don't think we're making progress. Perhaps we should continue this conversation another time."

These alternatives do not require us to compromise our beliefs or pretend to agree.

They simply allow us to disagree without turning every difference of opinion into a personal confrontation.

Of course, words are only part of the message.

Facial expressions, gestures, posture, eye contact, and tone of voice can reinforce respect - or undermine it completely.

A perfectly polite sentence delivered with a sarcastic smile or an exaggerated eye roll may be more offensive than a direct objection.

Civility requires consistency between what we say and how we say it.

Listening Is Not the Same as Agreeing

How often do we listen to someone while mentally preparing our response?

We hear the words, but our attention is already focused on proving the other person wrong.

Genuine listening begins with a willingness to understand the perspective being expressed.

Instead of immediately contradicting someone, we might ask:

"What led you to that conclusion?"

Or:

"Let me make sure I understand what you're saying."

Neither question implies agreement.

In fact, understanding another person's position often enables us to express our own disagreement more clearly and effectively.

What Harvard Research Tells Us About Disagreement

Research by Professor Julia Minson and her colleagues at Harvard has explored the concept of conversational receptiveness: the ability to communicate openness to opposing viewpoints while continuing to advocate for our own position.

Their work has helped develop a practical framework called HEAR:

H - Hedge your claims. Avoid unnecessarily absolute statements when the issue contains uncertainty or nuance.

E - Emphasize agreement. Identify genuine common ground, even when you disagree about the main issue.

A - Acknowledge the other perspective. Demonstrate that you have listened and understood what the other person is saying.

R - Reframe toward the positive. Express your position in constructive rather than needlessly negative language.

The principle is remarkably consistent with the values of civility.

We do not have to change our minds to demonstrate that we have listened.

And we do not have to agree with someone to make them feel heard.

Being heard is not the same as being right. But everyone deserves the opportunity to be heard respectfully.

What Happens When an Argument Becomes Heated?

Not every disagreement remains calm.

Sometimes we become genuinely angry.

Certain issues touch on deeply held values, painful experiences, or personal convictions.

Good manners do not require us to pretend that we are unaffected.

They do, however, ask us to take responsibility for how we express our emotions.

We can lower our voice rather than raise it.

We can avoid interrupting.

We can choose not to respond immediately.

And we can say:

"This subject matters deeply to me, and I'm becoming upset. I'd prefer to continue when we can both listen more calmly."

Sometimes, of course, a little humor can rescue an entire evening.

One particularly useful sentence at a family dinner might be:

"Well, I don't think we're going to agree on this. Could you pass the salad, please?"

A little perspective, served with good manners, can go a long way.

Tolerance Around the Family Table

Family gatherings are among the most challenging places to practice respectful disagreement.

Because we feel comfortable with those closest to us, we sometimes allow ourselves to behave in ways we would never consider acceptable with strangers.

Yet familiarity is not an excuse for discourtesy.

On the contrary, close relationships deserve particular care.

Political opinions, religion, parenting decisions, and personal lifestyle choices can quickly turn an enjoyable family gathering into an uncomfortable confrontation.

A thoughtful host does not need to prohibit every controversial conversation.

However, the host does have a responsibility to preserve an atmosphere in which guests feel comfortable and respected.

A gentle intervention might be:

"I can see we have some very strong opinions around this table. Perhaps we can save the debate for later and enjoy dinner for now?"

The role of a gracious host is not to declare a winner.

It is to ensure that everyone remains welcome.

After all, hospitality is not only about food, flowers, and a beautifully arranged table.

It is also about the atmosphere we create for the people gathered around it.

Civility in the Age of Social Media

If maintaining civility around a dinner table can be challenging, doing so on social media may be even harder.

The screen creates distance.

We do not see the other person's facial expressions, hear the emotional tone of their voice, or immediately witness the impact of our words.

As a result, criticism can easily turn into personal attack.

"You're ridiculous."

"You know nothing."

"People like you are the problem."

These are not arguments.

They are expressions of contempt.

Before posting a heated reply, consider three simple questions:

1. Am I challenging an idea or attacking a person?

2. Does my response contribute anything meaningful to the conversation?

3. Would I be comfortable saying these words face to face?

The rules of civility do not disappear when communication becomes digital.

If anything, our responsibility to use language carefully becomes even greater.

And remember: we are not obliged to participate in every online argument.

Sometimes choosing not to respond is the most sensible decision.

Silence does not always mean agreement.

Occasionally, it simply means refusing to turn a disagreement into an unnecessary conflict.

Does Tolerance Mean Accepting Unacceptable Behavior?

Absolutely not.

There is an important difference between tolerance and permissiveness.

Tolerance does not mean accepting violence, discrimination, racism, humiliation, or violations of human rights.

Nor does civility require us to tolerate personal abuse.

We have every right to establish boundaries, reject offensive behavior, and end a conversation that has become disrespectful.

Indeed, being able to say "no" clearly and respectfully is an important social skill.

Being well-mannered does not mean allowing others to treat us badly.

The challenge is to defend our boundaries without adopting the very behavior we object to.

What Are We Teaching the Next Generation?

Children learn manners not only through instructions, but through observation.

When a child hears an adult describe someone as stupid simply because they hold a different opinion, the message is clear: disagreement justifies disrespect.

But when children observe two adults debating passionately while remaining respectful, they learn something far more valuable.

They learn that people can hold different opinions and still care about one another.

They discover that disagreement does not automatically threaten a relationship.

And they begin to understand that listening, self-restraint, and consideration are not signs of weakness.

They are essential skills for life.

In a world where young people are constantly exposed to arguments, confrontations, and polarized discussions online, these lessons are more important than ever.

Did You Know? Even Disagreement Has Cultural Rules

Not every culture expresses disagreement in the same way.

In some social environments, direct debate and openly challenging an opinion may be considered signs of engagement and intellectual honesty.

In others, preserving harmony and avoiding public embarrassment may be given greater importance.

These differences are not absolute rules, and they should never be used to stereotype individuals.

People differ within cultures as much as they differ between them.

Nevertheless, cultural awareness reminds us of an important principle:

Silence does not always mean agreement, and directness does not necessarily mean disrespect.

Good manners require us to consider both the individual and the context before judging behavior.

Final Thought: We Don't Have to Agree to Respect One Another

International Day for Tolerance reminds us that living together does not mean thinking alike.

We differ in our beliefs, values, experiences, traditions, and opinions.

There is no need to erase those differences.

The challenge is learning how to live with them.

This is where tolerance, etiquette, courtesy, and civility come together.

Tolerance recognizes another person's right to be different.

Etiquette provides the practical tools for communicating respectfully.

Courtesy adds consideration and human warmth.

And civility reminds us that our responsibility toward one another does not end when agreement becomes impossible.

Tolerance does not require me to agree with you. It requires me to respect you even when I disagree.

That is the essence of the art of disagreement.

And perhaps, if we all practiced it a little more often — from the family dinner table to the halls of parliament — we might discover that disagreement does not have to divide us.

Because the true measure of our manners is not how we treat those who share our views, but how we behave toward those who challenge them.

Read more: Manners, Courtesy, and Civility

Tami Lancut Leibovitz | Master of Manners

Manners are the human language that transcends borders, bridges differences, and connects people.